She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
