Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
