I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
