I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
