1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize