all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
