Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
