don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
how drunk are you?
Several
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
