I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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