Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
