okay pat passed out under dana's car
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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