Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
