Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
