Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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