he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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