there's paper in my vomit.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
