so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
