If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
