I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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