I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
