Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Terrible idea I love it
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
