it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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