I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
