Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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