Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
where are you?
Hypothermia
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
