were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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