yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
