Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
