Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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