no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
