There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Even my vagina gasped.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
