the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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