I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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