6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
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I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts