Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"