Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You can't motorboat a personality
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
