I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
