Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
