I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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