Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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