I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
