i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
