Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
