This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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