it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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