it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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