in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
