I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
