He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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