I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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