I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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