so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
