So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
