I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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