Don't make out with my wife yet
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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