i permit you to call me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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