Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
